my boyfriend hangs out with his friends every weekend
If you're anxious about what your boyfriend gets up to when he's out with his friends, the best way to relieve that anxiety is to find out the truth. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. And i am observing him at distance. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. He has an established place in his pack and he is comfortable there. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. He told me that i annoy him and doesnt wanna go out with me. We currently live together, and lately ive been feeling as if he doesnt want to be with me anymore. Starting over! That was my first thought. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Whoopsie. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. As a couple, your relationship should come first but that in no way means that his spending ONE night a week with his friends is excessive, or that you have to spend the entire weekend together, every weekend. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. Thats a long ass time at home, no? So make him choose. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. He doesn't ask questions about your family and friends. In fact, he disappeared even more often, after they came along. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. . But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. By now, almost all of our friends are mutual friends - i.e. Why Do I Get Upset When My Boyfriend Goes Out With His Friends? (7 "What your guy is doing"..not guys going. What makes me feel like our relationship comes first is knowing that I have PRIORITY over my husband's friends. From maintaining eye contact to managing arousal, here's her ultimate . makes Zero sense! Work on being comfortable with your own company. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? Take advantage of it! In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn't Spend Time With You - She Blossoms Our situation is different because a) we've been together a million years, and b) I work from home, and he's an independent contractor in his field, and he can be away for weeks, or at home for weeks so we also have more home-together time during the day than most couples (even if it's not necessarily "doing stuff together"). Maybe something is up with his family? Ask MetaFilter is where thousands of life's little questions are answered. The previous years still matter, but you haven't had the experience of working through the kinds of issues that face couples when they live in the same place (you're encountering one of them now). If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. 3. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. im kind of confused. He's rarely interested in hanging out when sex isn't on the table. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. You need to have some. He's still the same; just older and more pathetic. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Starting to get annoyed that friend is always there, and boyfriend is getting upset at this causing us to fight more. It's often the whole vibe that people enjoy. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. You go along with him to his familys house. He spends literally all day with his friends. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. I can't go every weekend out with him because its tiring and I dont like drinking a lot. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. When it comes to him tho, however, it seems like you're fine with him hanging out with a girl. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. I am getting tired of it. If so, it might have been difficult for him to adjust to staying home each weekend. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. 3 months was all I can take of him saying he'd be home early but not coming back until 2am, 3am or even the next day. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. My husband goes out with his buddies almost every week. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. Flirt a little. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. The images don't look much like me; the generative-AI models that spat them out seem to have been trained on my official U.S. government portrait, taken when I was six months pregnant. I just dont understand this concept. I don't live with my boyfriend and rarely can stay the night, so I feel like we have a couple hours at most after work to hangout. Some of them may be logical and some seem pretty illogical, even to yourself, when you think about it deeply. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city. Like he was programmed that way. Think about how you react to your boyfriend's plans to go out, and try to pinpoint what bothers you most about it. When I get a firm grip on reality, I'm going to choke it. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. My boyfriend never takes me out but goes out with his friends - Hack Spirit . Why would my boyfriend rather hang out with his friends? I can't go every weekend out with him because its tiring and I dont like drinking a lot. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? You did the right thing by taking a firm stand. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. What way would you not want it to be? A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. He always tells me he will be home early before 12:00am but that never happens. 1. However, my husband isnt like that at all. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships. He needs to stop this behavior NOW and prove to you that he's over this "partying" stage. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. Going from an LDR to a non-LDR with someone is almost like starting an entirely new relationship. Its possible he has drinking issue, and even if he doesn't, you're not priority right now, which says a lot. Here's what you need to know. Let your bf diversify. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. LW, how about writing back with the details? Pay careful attention to his reaction. Jealousy can hit our minds because of various reasons. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Having children did nothing to cure my guy of party-fever. TL;DR he never wants to go out or hang out with me but will be with his friends all day. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. He will leave at 8am to go to his friends house, and after to another! In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. You sound like you are actually trying to push him apart from his friends. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. Please see my post below.. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. Gentlemen Speak: 3 Ways to Know If a Guy Wants to 'Hang Out' as Friends Perhaps he's neglected his friendships since he's been in a relationship with you. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. He Spends More Time With His Friends Than Me Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Maybe he is making up time for that. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? I have tried everything from yelling, getting angry and threatening divorce. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Two or three times a week is not excessive. I moved out almost 2 months ago and I cannot even begin to express how FREEING it is to have gotten out of that environment that was making me emotionally and physically sick. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Also, what kind of time do you spend together as a default? That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Its just simple, smart, communication! I listened to everyone's advice and my gut feeling and I ended the relationship yesterday. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Hes going to choose you. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. I would have trouble calculating an "appropriate" amount of nights for my partner to spend with friends. I no longer have to be subjected to his lying, drinking and disrespect. Is it a deal breaker? You arent happy and yet you stay. Just because I didnt want to start over again. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. And I think this is the case here. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. If he loves you, he should trust you with whoever you're with. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. At this point of thinking, we start questioning ourselves. its a really exciting time for your relationship! how do we divide furniture? At best, a season and a half. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. Feeling unproductive when the three of us are hanging out. Okay, what I'm hearing here is that you don't feel like you're getting enough good time with your boyfriend. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Archived post. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. But she doesnt seem to mind it. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. As it is we see him once or twice a month depending on schedules. Who does that? I am very unhappy in this marriage and I am really planning to get a divorce. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. 11 Signs He's Not Headed Toward a Relationship With You and not check whether his friends have a better plan first. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. hops the bus and goes straight home. You don't seem to have your own friends. 1. Yes it is a ridiculous answer. Yes. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. Who keeps the dog? I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. How To Stop Bugging Out When Your Boyfriend Goes Out With His Friends I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). All these little things add up to make me feel like I come first. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. And I was sad too. Don't get me wrong, Tom is a really nice guy. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Time away from the relationship is healthy. It's pretty apparent that you don't like his friends very much and they probably get that vibe too. I've dated enough guys who had no close friends to know that it's a red flag. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. Communication people. Compatibility is important. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. What Happens When Your Boyfriend Would Rather Be With His Friends Dont go this weekend. But just be cautious. All Im saying is be careful. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. [1] Going out with buddies: How often is too often? (wife, marriage, man If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at we***@de*******.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. tl;dr: Boyfriend gave keys to apartment to best friend, and best friend is always over. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. This is one of the biggest signs he's not in love with you. He is causing me a lot of tears and heartache and I am so tired of it. Then offer a compromise. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. Does that make sense? I had to resort to that when talking about it, fighting about it and me threatening to leave didn't work. My boyfriend doesn't cancel plans with me to hang out with his friends, but if I know he's hanging with them *and we didn't have plans*, I try not to bug him, but sometimes he'll be like 'well if we finish early, I can come' and then.surprise: he doesn't lol I wish he wouldn't tell me stuff like that when there's a good chance he can't, but he knows I try not to come between him and his . However, I think the So you need to spend a "quality time" with your own self. I'm a low socialiser - as in seeing my friends once or twice a month is fine (which averages out to once every few months for each friend/group). That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. I hate to say it, but I don't think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. Even if your boyfriend has reassured you over and over again that. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. But when Jay moved out, I thought Tom would come over less often because it would be like third wheeling, but Tom always came over. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). When we were younger we went out a lot more than we do now.]. "He Wants to Spend Every Weekend with His Parents" Ask Amy. I don't mind that my boyfriend hangs out with his friends, but we both work from 9-5/7. What matters is how his behavior and . They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. Don't go any further with him. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. I would re-evaluate that. Do you need long blocks of time together to really feel relaxed, so weekends are extra important? But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Feeling unproductive when the three of us are hanging out. What does this mean? I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. barf. Am I the only one that doesn't see anything wrong with going out once or twice a month for drinks? Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? Why Do I Get Jealous When My Boyfriend Hangs Out With His Friends I wish you the best. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. You don't know what he's up to. I dumped my binge drinking drug using alkie BF when I was 23; he used to spend all the money and disappear for days on end. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Pfff.! I go out every week with some friends after work, but I am home by 9pm at the latest. I feel like the third wheel sometimes and that I'm dating my boyfriend + Tom. He sees friends several times a week, every week, and we also have a couple of days of "just us." If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Do they just drink in someone's living room? Eh. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Giphy Unless this is your first relationship, you're well aware that the way a relationship ends makes a big difference in the dynamic moving forward. Plan stuff to do on weekends - it's not just "we should spend the weekend together" but "let's go hiking on Saturday!" or even "let's clean the porch on Saturday!" When there is no plan, your boyfriend should be free to hang out with friends. But if his friends said that, he'd probably say, "Let me check whether Lollusc had any plans for the weekend." We just got thru the holidays. But at least you'll have your answer. if it works for you, thats all that matters. This thread is archived You are both still young, you and your friends don't have kids yet -- ENJOY THIS TIME. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. What kinds of places does he go to? TL;DR: Boyfriend never wants to do anything and has never taken me on a date. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Why does my BF get mad because I hang out with my guy friend - Quora Sorry but I see little wrong with your husband going out with his friends on weekends. One of the most prominent of them is jealousy. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. it was just a sort of tradition. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Pick the wrong partner for the wrong reasons: No matter how charming your partner is, if he or she's a player, an out-of-control spender, a con artist, an alcoholic/addict or violent, no. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Same goes for his family out in Queens. I can see it both ways. I am afraid for humanity. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Understanding the root of your jealous feelings can help neutralize them. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Best thing I ever did. It is completely common for friends to drift apart as people grow and transition to a new place in their lives. 8 perfectly innocent reasons why guys in relationships go to clubs